M.S.

They can't say that I have M.S.

and I don't dare to say it either
don't want to say it

Dr's can't say for certain
though off the record they always say
"You will probably develop full M.S. in your lifetime"
Huh?!
but it is screaming out of the back of my throat

Something is wrong with my neural system

I know it everyday and plow on

It is so much more than motherly exaustion

I don't feel things the way I should

waist to toes I don't feel

shoulders to finger tips, dull
When something excites me in life

I feel an electrical pulse throughout my body

that is more like a short circuit

It is interesting and nice to feel something deeply for a change

as my skin is always a bit lacking

I am covered in wax and feel sensations through a thick coating
but I know it is not right

It's like flipping the hall light and the attic light goes on

Funny and different but not good

a photo of my self as a child on the beach with my sister

curled and cracking into hundreds of pieces

colored photo separating from the paper

Eventually the image will disintagrate

it will flutter free into the wind
I feel like it is my hour glass
when my childish image is gone
I will have disintegrated and separated from

my young healthy self

I can only watch

until there is nothing
lack of feeling runs deep